Contention v. Charity in Marriage

Mind you, yes I am aware of the fact that I am new at this whole marriage thing, but perhaps a fresh pair of eyes on the matter is what we need once in awhile. Like every couple, yes Will and I have our fights. I know right? Us? Fight? But we are so cute, and so sickeningly agreeable, and we feed each other and he holds me! LOL, yes we are, yes we hear it all the time, and no we are far from perfect! But hey we will take adorable!  

Shortly after our marriage took place it became VERY apparent that the adversary does not want our marriage to work. For whatever reason Satan must find us too close to perfect because he tries hard on us.  At times he does so very convincingly. 


As we have been working through stroke symptoms, financial issues, education issues, roommate problems, and mounting pressures in many other areas of our marriage, we found like every couple who ever gave us advice, that it's harder than it looks.  People say that the first year is the hardest because you are still getting used to each other, and that after someone suffers a stroke they tend to suffer personality changes that can necessitate getting to know your spouse all over again as a "new person". So our first few months have been a roller coaster ride from Heaven, to Earth, to Hell and all over again. Of late there has been so much tension in our home, and contention in myself that I have even found myself considering going to stay with my Aunt Linda for awhile, just to get away from my husband. Its just one of those times in life where you know you are doing all you can and yet you don't seem to succeed at anything and most of it blows up in your face. I feel like I'm failing but I know I am doing all i can the right way. Yet my health, my finances, and my marriage all seem to be screaming "do better" while i just want to curl up in a corner and cry. I have OCD which means our house is spotless but the anxiety makes me scrub till my knuckles bleed and then do more, and the IBS means I am swollen and bloated and cant get toxins out of my body, so I just stay sick. Let me tell you on top of it all I am just sick and tired of being sick and tired!


After several days of long drawn out contention in our home, which I have even more than the reason for the contention, I decided I needed to find some direction. I have prayed and found comfort, gotten a blessing and found comfort, and done all else I know how to find joy, comfort and peace, but I am new at this whole marriage thing so I need a perspective from an angle I don't have experience working in. We prayed and read scriptures last night together, and prayed again this morning. When I got back to the house I sat down at the computer went to lds.org and typed in two words "struggle" and "marriage". The two words together make all the difference! In a marriage its no longer my struggles and his struggles, its my struggles, his struggles and our struggles. Don't freak out single friends, yes you triple the struggles when you get hitched but you also enter into a three way covenant, where there are now three involved and much added relations to aide those struggles. I clicked on the first article that seemed both relevant and intriguing, "Mending Our Marriage" from the Ensign (October 1996). I think the word Mending caught my sewing attention.


As I read I found thoughts flying into my mind as though they were being dropped in by more experienced beings. It suddenly became clear to me that while I know it is going to take time to lessen pressures we can't just solve, there is something more I can and should do. I need to use this as an opportunity for growth. While there are many things going on around us, I cannot expect my husband to fix it, I can't fix it by doing what I've been doing, and it's not going to get fixed over night, or with repeated conversation, or fighting. Growth in the personal form, adaptation to the situation, and time for rest and relaxation is what I need. So I dedicated today to setting goals. I have a page of them, and all I can do is ask my husband to support me in them so that I can grow a bit rather than stressing to the point that I am ready to have a heart attack any day. 


Heavenly Father answers all our prayers but I am especially grateful today for answers given in unexpected, yet sought out ways. Today I have been reminded of a few simple truths: 

1. Contention is of the Devil, and Charity is the pure love of Christ, which has little better place than in a marriage.
2. Heavenly Father is the author and owner of the marriage covenant, and that covenant is a three way tie that binds us to Him.
3. It's always time to say "I love you"
4. Great worth lies in waiting patiently, just as I did to find Will, I would patiently wait for Eternity, if that is Heavenly Father's will, as he knows each of us better than we know ourselves.

My Goals are as follows, though some are personal and as such been left off this public list, just as details of our dilemmas are left private, please don't ask questions. If you are struggling, or find direction in my ramblings then give credit where credit is due... to the Lord.

• One Intentional Charitable Act per day to benefit my husband
• Grow in Provident Living Knowledge
• Food Storage
• Water Storage
• Gardening
• Sewing
• 72 hour kits
• Emergency Preparedness
• Nursing/First Aide
• HAM Radio
• Budgeting for Families
• Get a Degree and Build a Career that could support the Family in the Future
• CNA certification
• RN Scholarships
• RN Degree
• ??? after
• Temple Goals.....
• Read at least one church publication each week (Ensign article, book, etc.)
• Personal Scripture Study Daily as is standard by Seminary program
• Magnify Calling
• Attend the gym daily (no Sunday) for minimum of one hour
• Stick to diet
• Schedule 8hrs sleep per night
• One hour of craft project time daily

Others are in existence and many of these goals are already accomplished but are on the list to keep in perspective while accomplishing other goals recently added... anyway, everyone have a great day and try to do something charitable and kind rather than contentious today, after all there is no other way to be if you want to live a happy life.


original post: Life as Will's Wife 7/7/11